Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Shoe Camp

They're SO pretty! Shoe camp should be easier than this. I'm angry at my shoes. They're beautiful, but I'm mad at them. And they ARE beautiful, and they ARE a respected pair of high heeled shoes (Steve Madden made them) however, my feet hurt. 
We should probably back up a bit... I have steadily rejected high heels my entire prepubescent and adult life for lots of good reasons. And then I became a late 30s person and realized this is a skill, walking in heels, that I don't have in my portfolio. It's a thing I can't do. It's ridiculous.  Right? So, I'm learning how to walk in heels and this is how it's all going down...
Generous, beloved neighbour who often donates her kid's clothing to us, gave us some big shoes. BEAUTIFUL, big shoes! Steve Madden shoes! I'm gonna wear these bastards.
If I was writing this by myself, I would introduce beloved cousin Beth, but now, you've already met her because she's typing this for me while sit and drink vodka and water as I dictate this adventure.
Enter cousin Beth into this agreement. 
"We the aforementioned have promised, REALLY promised, each other that we will commit ourselves to the next 72 hours in these high heels excluding showers and sleep." (They're so pretty) So what does that mean? That means that like my job or my children or my husband or the intolerable heat, this is a thing that we have committed to. Oh we will walk in heels! Not because we want to, mind you, not because we think we should, but only because this is a skill that we think a person of our caliber should have in our arsenal.
B - Being taller definitely gives a different perspective on life. I opened my kitchen cupboards and realized that I could see everything that was in there. What a shocker! And reaching down to wash dishes? It seems so far away. Absolutely quizzical. But the pain issue, not really a factor. I think it's the ankle straps. We'll see how things are tomorrow.
A- The last time I stood up, I thought I might pee on my own feet, you know, like when you're stung by a jellyfish or 643 jellyfish right on the balls of your feet. So that's my progress. I'm not giving up. I love Steve Madden and his shoes and I will smile when I think about them. Not today, but maybe tomorrow. I live upstairs. TWO flights. Heels, people. Heels.
Live tall. Live tall, ladies. It's a skill we all need. Men just don't even know what they're missing out on.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Dear Other Moms.....

The thing you should know about how you raise your kids is that no one cares. You know, I mean like morally we care if you're violent with them or say starving them or letting them download Jay-Z songs, but generally speaking we don't care. I'm sure that whatever you're doing is fine. Be it actual cow's milk and Oreos after school or raw almond silk dream and gluten/grain free pumpkin seed flower snack doodles with agave frosting, no one cares. 

Maybe if I was raising your kids I would care, because you know, I respect your wishes for them and I am actually paying attention to how you're doing things in case you ever fall to an untimely death having previously chosen me to rear your crunchy offspring but right now I'm seriously not so I seriously don't. Think about that for a second the next time you press your lips into that terse ass smile and avert your enlightened gaze when I tell you I gave my children KD. Parenting is not a contest, well I mean it is between me and my ex-husband but that's a whole other can of endocrine disrupting bisphenol A. What I mean is that I know you're doing the best job you bloody well can to raise your kids, do you know that about me? I'm busy, my BGH loving kids need their BPAs refilled so maybe while I do that you just tossel around on the PVC free play mats with your homeschoolers..... 

Where was I? Right, listen, I got off on the wrong foot with this. I get it, I know there's pure love and wellness in what you do - dishes lose out to spinach smoothies in the tub, laundry takes a rain check while organic cotton blanket forts pull into first place and it's all beautiful, you're doing a bang up job.    Homeschooling, co-sleeping, tandem-nursing and all the other ings that you're up to are spot on for you and your co-parent. I see me in you because we are the same, we're Mothers. Stop for a minute and you'll see you in me.