Thursday, October 13, 2011

The D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Oh sure, I can give lots of lip service about important topics such as co-parenting, parallel-parenting, single-parenthood, parenthood....The truth is, I'm flying blind. I probably read the same blogs you read. I probably search the same key phrases you search. Like...

'How to tell your kids you're getting a divorce'
'How to raise happy kids after a divorce'
'How to survive a divorce'
'What kind of a family will I have after divorce?'
'How to brutally murder your lying, selfish ex-husband and get away with it'

.....etc. Obviously I jest about the brutal murder bit. Ha ha ha... A girl's bound to make some bad jokes under duress. You see for me, the truth is that Tammy Wynette's D-I-V-O-R-C-E is all a massive emotional tangle of pain, humour and grief. I suspect that to an emotionally stable person, who I recklessly assume is unburdened by jealousy, rage, infidelity, abuse and neglect, I probably seem a tad 'bonkers'. I accept this perception, and often times I embrace it.

Hell...Lord knows I'd be a fool to turn down an embrace at this juncture in my emotional career. I suppose that's a positive thing. There's no shortage of hugs in this house. A person needs to stay connected. My wiener dog gets probably more attention than she would sign up for, my kids definitely get more hugs than they'd expect in a day, and you'd be surprised at how rewarding it actually is to hug a turtle. (I love you Lulu!) The DHL Delivery guy was a bit off-put last Monday when he got his hug, (totally his own issue, not mine) and come to think of it, I don't think Jesus the butcher was that receptive to his either. Whatever. I'm not taking that on (throws head back and cackles wickedy at the phony manner in which she humorously regurgitated a famous and acceptable deflective phrase within the Church of Self Help).

I hug more than most, I guess. That's some of the fallout from my separation, it's a truth and I accept it. Among the many truths I accept, a big one is loneliness. I can list off all the things a person can do on their own, and the list is long. There are scads of activities that were specifically created for soloists, lots of them. Kayaking, for example. I live on the ocean, kayaks are for rent all over the place. Just try and fit 2 people in a kayak, ridiculous! Libraries, for another: How many librarians have you encountered that welcomed chit chat and socialization? I'll hazard a guess...none! The gym: Unless you have a trainer, this is definitely a solo activity. Which brings us to our next activity, Masturbation: It's right there in the title, this is a solo activity. Next up? Reading: Unless you're under 5, this is again a solo activity. Lastly? Coffee shops: Always a welcome retreat for the soloist who may or may not choose to multi-task with a secondary activity like reading to accompany  the first: 'drinking coffee'. I could go on and on, but why bother. We all know what to do when we're single, we're doing all the things that our miserable spouses prevented us from doing while we were un-single. Isn't life better now that we can do nothing whenever we want? The obvious answer is yes. And no. And then yes again, and later no, then a resounding 'yes!'  D-I-V-O-R-C-E is all very confusing, Tammy.

I'm a Mum. That's what I've always waited to become. I was born waiting to be Mum, and when my moment arrived, I embraced it, that's what I do, I'm a Mother. I don't have anything figured out, which surprised me some, I thought that would be included in this marriage package somehow, but surprisingly, it's not. I love my kids the best way that I know how. Some days their Daddy is involved, and some days he's not. I'll never shut that door without their permission. But their too little to know about stuff like that. All they know how to do is love, and laugh and hug and imagine and grow. I know that I will work double over time to be the best damn Mum I can be to my tots, and I will pray for nothing but the same from my ex-husband. But along the way, I expect I will be lonely for someone to taste my tomato sauce and see if it needs salt, someone to whom garbage isn't Kryptonite and will take it out, someone to 'Get it off! Get it off!' when I can't, someone to see what the hell that noise is at 4:37 am, someone who doesn't expect a reasonable answer to the question 'Why are you crying?', someone who will see that I'm cold and put a blanket on me, someone that will see that I'm sad and comfort me, someone who will see that I'm impossible but will keep trying, someone who will love me for me, and for no other reason. Surely after surviving the disaster that is divorce there is a pleasantry like...peace at the end of it all?

I'm sure D-I-V-O-R-C-E has mistakenly been underrated....